Loving and losing and being okay with it

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I have never wanted to be the kind of girl that let her emotions take over; one that cries over boys and can’t function normally because someone hurt their feelings, but I have turned into that person. I know that this is just a phase that will pass but right now it is very consuming. That surely isn’t healthy.

There are a lot of things in life I will never understand, and people in relationships who are not honest are one of those things.

Why lie to someone? Why spend so much time with someone that you have no intentions of being with on an exclusive level? Why would you knowingly waste someone’s time when you knew the way that they felt? Why would someone be so disrespectful and selfish when they know that the person would do anything for them? Why hurt someone so deeply when you have all the power to not hurt them?

I realize that this is such a trivial thing to write a blog about and maybe even stupid to a lot of people but I feel that I need to get it out of me. I have been holding so much in; I am at my breaking point.

Recently I have been doing a lot of meditating and reading on Buddhism. Specifically I have been reading about Buddha’s teachings on non-attachment.

As humans we give meaning and non-existent value to people and objects that are in our lives, we try and hold onto things in our lives with such a tight grip that when they are gone we fall apart. This happens because we are attached. We essentially  put our happiness in the hands of someone or something else. When we do this we are unknowingly causing unnecessary harm and suffering to our spirits. When we lose the thing that we held so tightly, that we are so attached to we also lose our source of happiness. When that happiness is gone is when the hurt starts to set in. This is where I am.

The hurt has set in because I was attached to someone. I gave someone the privilege to my emotions. Someone who did not deserve it. Not to say that this person was a bad person, but no one should ever be given that privilege. Our spirits and our emotions are fragile and they should be handled with extreme care and no one knows how to handle them better than ourselves.

This is not to say that we should not have relationships and hold things near and dear to our heart, but there is a healthier way to do it. By being aware of our interactions and reactions with those people and objects we learn how great of an impact they have on our beings. By being aware of this impact we can adjust accordingly.

I am learning that I can still love and be loved without being attached, without putting all of my happiness into fleeting objects and people. I can experience happiness with a person but a person should not ever be my source of happiness.

Sadly I have learned all of this a little too late, but I intend to take this new knowledge and apply it to my life from here on out.

The things that have happened over the past year of my life with this person I would not change for anything. Surely I wish that I would have not felt that I was lied to and disrespected but there are going to be far better things in life further down the road, right now I am experiencing a slight curve in that road.

At the end of the day I am a better person because I know that I was honest and loyal in my interactions. I went above and beyond and never asked for nothing in return. I gave myself wholeheartedly with no questions asked.  Maybe those statements seem self-righteous but I need you to know that that is not my intention. I make mistakes like anyone else, I am as human as the next person. I hope to learn and grow from this experience in time. Although I am often angry at the outcome of this situation I do not wish ill of him, he deserves to be happy as much as I do I just hope that he learns to see past his own nose. That there are people out there that will care about him more than they care about themselves, that age doesn’t matter, and that you cannot push everyone away.
-R

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